For many of us, talking about death isn’t easy. But having conversations with our loved ones about what we want to happen at the end of our lives can make things easier when the time comes.
It’s easy to feel the reasons we might avoid talking about death are unique to us, and insurmountable. But in reality, many of us are struggling with the same barriers. And a big one is not wanting to make others feel uncomfortable.
So why is it worth making the time for the conversation now?
Once you know, you know
Simply put, if your family doesn’t know what’s important to you before you become too unwell to tell them, they can end up second guessing what you’d have wanted. It can be immensely comforting for families to know that they’ve made the right decision on things like whether you’d prefer to die at home or in a hospice, and whether you’d want a big, celebratory funeral or a quiet ceremony. And they can only know this for sure if you tell them.
It lightens the practical and legal burden
There’s a practical benefit of getting your affairs in order. Things like having a Will that’s watertight and easy to find by the right people, and information on where you have bank accounts – to save your next of kin phoning around to check, when they’re in the midst of grieving for you. Having spoken to people you love about these things (so they know roughly what’s planned, and where to go to find them) can save a world of pain later.
Relief, calm and a sense of control
Some people find that talking about plans brings a sense of relief or calmness, as it may give them more control over the care they receive in the future. You wouldn’t prepare for an important house move or a one-in-a-lifetime holiday without making decisions around what you want. But many of us are passive about our end of life experiences, which means we lose any sense of control when the time comes.
You’ll give people the joy of discovering things they never knew about you
Some families find they learn things when talking openly at the end of a loved one’s life that would otherwise have disappeared with them. Did you know your grandad always loved a particular line of poetry, or that your wife liked the idea of having her ashes sent up in a firework? It might be a surprise to find out that the most special place in the world for your brother was a hillside near where you grew up. Or that your friend always hoped they’d be remembered for their incredible apple and blackberry crumble recipe. It’s strange how sometimes what seems like a tricky subject can get you talking about happy and important things, and help you feel closer to each other.
Tips for starting a conversation
Here are some tips - but remember there's no one-size-fits-all approach:
• Tell the person that you want to talk about something which is important to you.
• Explain what you want to talk about - it may be general things about planning ahead, or it might be something very specific about your wishes.
• Try to be as clear as possible about what you mean, so that they understand what you're saying.
• Ask them how they feel about talking through things.
• Check in with them - do they understand what you mean? How do they feel about talking about this? Do they need some time to reflect on things before talking about it?
• Be clear that you're not expecting to work through everything immediately and this is the beginning of a conversation.
• You might want to use some Marie Curie conversation cards to help you.
Some more resources from Marie Curie
You might find this information on getting started with planning ahead and this planning checklist helpful. If you need some help, or you know someone who does, call or share details of the Marie Curie Support Line, 0800 090 2309 or visit mariecurie.org.uk/support.
And some videos to watch...
Do any of the experiences in this video resonate with how you feel about talking about dying and death? Watch the video
What happens when families second guess someone’s wishes? Watch the video
Aline Dian
Information and Support Marketing Manager
Marie Curie